


Something gained (something lost)

by MiriRainbowitz



Category: Tortall - Tamora Pierce
Genre: Angst, Gen, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Winter Soldier AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-02-01 05:24:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21396154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiriRainbowitz/pseuds/MiriRainbowitz
Summary: Kel survived losing Neal.She doesn't know if she'll survive getting him back.
Relationships: Keladry of Mindelan & Nealan of Queenscove
Comments: 14
Kudos: 35





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was partially inspired by [fireblazie's](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fireblazie/pseuds/fireblazie) fic [oh lover, hold on](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7462911).
> 
> Also I'm not sure how many chapters this is gonna be but I'm hoping it'll only be 3 or 4.

The masked fighter is _good_.

It's not just that he's a very skilled swordsman - he's got the Gift -

<strike>dark green, like _Neal's_</strike>

\- and he uses it to lash out at everyone, alternating between whips and blasts. Roland, the mage in this squad, is trying to shield everyone, but based on the sweat on his face, he's running out of energy. Kel can't see the fighter's face, but he doesn't seem to be losing that much energy.

Kel thinks a quick prayer to Mithros and the Goddess - _please let us not die_ \- and lunges at the fighter with her glaive. It's much longer than the fighter's sword, and while the fighter is about her height, she's bigger and probably stronger than him.

There's something about the way the fighter moves that is familiar to Kel. She's _seen_ someone block and strike like the fighter in front of her, but she can't place it. It's disconcerting, but Kel puts that thought aside for later. She can't lose focus on the fight she's in.

Kel hears the shrieks of her sparrows returning before she hears the sound of the relief squad that they'd fetched. The fighter hears this too, and hesitates for a second before backing away, starting to turn his body to flee.

_No_, Kel thinks, and lunges for the fighter, trying to grab him. One hand latches onto his mask and her strength, as well as his turning motion, pulls it off.

No.

_No._

This has to be a nightmare. This can't be real, because _Neal_ \- her _dead_ best friend Neal - is staring at her. His hair is longer than she's used to, his face is utterly expressionless, and his familiar emerald eyes are blank, but it's still undeniably him.

"Neal?" Kel forces out, her voice soft and shaky.

"Who the hell is Neal?" His voice - oh gods, his voice is the same, but the lack of emotion in it is _heartbreaking_. There's no recognition in his eyes when Kel says his name, and he clearly doesn't know her either.

The relief squad bursts into the clearing where Kel and her squad had been fighting, and Neal casts a blinding flare of magic. When Kel's eyes clear, he's gone.

* * *

Kel wasn't _there_ when Neal had disappeared. 

<strike>when Neal had _died_</strike>

He'd been out on what _should_ have been a routine patrol with a squad of New Hope soldiers and Kel had been relaxing with a very pregnant Yuki when a couple of sparrows had zipped into the room, shrieking at the top of their lungs, their claws and beaks stained red. In seven minutes, Kel and another squad of New Hope soldiers were armored up and riding out of the fort, following the sparrows.

The site of the massacre - that was really the only word for it - seemed to be mocking Kel with its orderliness. All of the horses were dead, some with their throats slit, others with arrows riddling their bodies, but they had all been moved into a heap. The other heap was the bodies of the squad. Neal wasn't there.

All of Kel's Yamani composure couldn't keep her from collapsing onto her knees and sobbing.

The week that followed was a daze for Kel. There were funerals for the soldiers, telling Neal's parents and all of their friends that Neal was missing - 

<strike>was _dead_</strike>

\- and, most devastating of all, filling out the paperwork for replacing Neal. He had been, after all, their main healer, and people didn't stop needing a healer just because Kel's world had shattered.

At Neal's funeral, Kel had to draw on all of her strength to keep from crying, because if she started crying, she knew she wouldn't be able to stop. When she was asked to say a few words, she kept it simple.

_Neal, I love you. I'll miss you. I'm so sorry. I love you._

* * *

Kel finds Yuki playing with Ryoko, smiling as much as her Yamani upbringing allows. Ryoko, thank the gods, is only two - much too young to understand what Kel is about to say.

"Yuki, I…" Kel trails off. "I - I have to tell you something. We - my squad and I - were attacked. By a masked fighter. I was fighting him and - we both heard the relief squad and he tried to get away and I pulled his mask off and - and - it was _Neal_, Yuki." Kel can hear the tears in her voice.

Yuki gapes at Kel, but Kel isn't done. "Something horrible happened to him, Yuki. He didn't recognize me. He didn't know his own _name_."

"Keladry..." Yuki's voice is a whisper. "It can't be. He's _dead_."

Kel shakes her head. "I know his face. I know his Gift. I know how he moves. It was him. I wish to the gods it wasn't, but - it was him, Yuki. It was Neal."

Yuki's eyes shine with tears, and Kel pulls her into a hug. Her sobs are muffled against Kel's body. Kel doesn't know how long it takes until Yuki stops shaking, but when she does, Kel releases Yuki from her arms.

"Yuki," Kel says firmly. "I _will_ find him. And I _will_ bring him back. No matter what it takes."

With that, Kel heads to her office. If she's getting Neal back, she's got work to do.

* * *

The Soldier stands still while his commander paces the room, muttering to himself. After a while - the Soldier doesn't know, doesn't care - he stops moving and looks the Soldier right in the eyes.

"Report," he snaps out.

"There was a patrol, ten soldiers and one knight. The knight was female. I think - I know her." The Soldier pauses at the look on his commander's face. He looks - concerned? Anxious? It disappears, though, and his commander motions him to continue. "We engaged. The mage in the squad didn't attack me, just shielded the rest. I was fighting the lady knight when backup came, and I retreated." 

His commander is silent. "What happened to your mask?" 

The Soldier hesitates. "The lady knight pulled it off of me before I was able to leave. She - she said a name. Neal." The Soldier watches with detached interest as his commander's face pales. "Who is Neal?" 

"No one. Neal is - no one. Soldier, you have a new mission. Kill the lady knight. She's too dangerous to live." 

The Soldier frowns. "But - I _know_ her. I've met her before. I think she's -" 

_an ally? a friend?_

"She's your _mission_, Soldier. You know what you have to do."

The Soldier nods and leaves, but his mind is focused on the lady knight's face. He _knows_ it from somewhere, and he thinks she recognized him too. For the first time that he can remember, he's not sure if he'll be able to complete his mission. After all, the lady knight can't talk if she's dead.

* * *

Neal walks right into the trap Kel set up for him, and Kel's heart _wrenches_. The simple fact that he hadn't _seen_ it - had approached Kel, seemingly alone and unarmed, without his suspicious nature being triggered - only drives home the fact that Neal isn't himself anymore.

What truly shatters her heart though? Is his _compliance_. Numair had frozen him, body and magic, then put a pair of magic-suppressing handcuffs on him. Once he was sure that they were secure, he lifted the freezing spell, and Neal didn't attack, or lash out, or even speak. He just stood where he was, and when Kel looked into his eyes, she didn't see even a _spark_ of defiance. This is something, Kel realizes with a sense of horror, that Neal is _used to_.

They take him to - _gods_ \- the _jail cells_, and Kel's heart can't take it anymore. Numair puts Neal to sleep, and Kel goes off to her room to cry. Tobe is there, and he's obviously been crying too, and Kel holds him tightly against her as they both drift off to sleep.

Morning comes with a renewed sense of purpose. Neal is physically here, and Kel will do _anything_ to get his mind back as well.

Her morning pattern dance is interrupted by Yuki saying her name in a teary voice. Kel puts down her glaive as Yuki approaches. "You were right. It is him, and - he didn't recognize me either. I - tried to talk to him and he asked me what my name was."

Kel doesn't say anything. Kel _can't_ say anything. She wishes she could take away Yuki's heartbreak, put it all on her own shoulders, but she can't.

Yuki looks up at Kel, and even though there's still tears in her eyes, her gaze is steely. "You have to fix this, Kel. You _have_ to." 

"I will," Kel replies.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning, there's a panic attack in this chapter. It's short, and it's in the 4th real paragraph.

The Yamani woman was - interesting. There's something about her that tugs on the Soldier's memory - he thinks he knows her too. It's not the same as how he felt about the lady knight, though. It's a different -

<strike>a softer, a more _tender_</strike>

\- feeling. He can't say how he knows this, but he does know that he met the lady knight before he met the Yamani woman. He knows that whatever his relationship with the Yamani was, it was very different from his relationship with the lady knight.

He doesn't have a chance to think about it for too long though, because the lady knight comes to his cell shortly after the Yamani woman leaves. She looks different than she did the first time he saw her - she's dressed comfortably in boots, breeches, a tunic, and an undershirt. The softness of her attire doesn't make her look any less threatening than a full suit of armor would, though - her height, her muscled body, her warrior's posture are still on full display. Restrained and helpless as he is, she could easily kill him.

But he knows - he _knows_ \- that she's not going to hurt him. He _trusts_ her not to hurt him.

When she speaks, her voice is gentle. "Do you know who I am?"

The Soldier considers his answer. "I think so?" He didn't mean for it to come out as a question. "I've met you before, but I don't know where. I - I told my commander that I thought you were an ally, but I know the names of all of my allies, and I don't know your name, and my commander told me to kill you, but he's never told me to kill an ally before, so I think you might not be an ally, but you _feel_ like an ally, and- I don't know. I'm sorry, I know I'm talking too much, I'm sorry, please - I'm sorry -" He can feel his breathing speed up because he's rambling, his commander hates when he rambles, he's going to get punished, oh gods no, no, no no _no nononononononono_-

There are arms circling him. They're strong and warm and comforting and _familiar_, and they don't move as his panic recedes. He realizes, after a minute or so, that the arms belong to the lady knight, and she's murmuring apologies and assurances into his hair. 

"Th-thank you," he stutters out, and the lady knight shakes her head. He worries for a second that he's displeased her, but she says, "Don't - don't thank me for _caring_ for you, Neal."

_Neal_. There's that name again. She'd called him Neal, _twice_ now, but his commander had said that Neal was no one. "Why did you call me that?"

The lady knight sighs and pulls away, sitting down to face him. "That's your name. Neal. Sir Nealan of Queenscove, if you want your full title, but you go - you told me that the only person who called you Nealan was your least favorite aunt." Her lips pulled up into a tiny smirk. "Dom and I called you Meathead sometimes."

The Soldier- no, _Neal_ \- is still processing the information the lady knight told him. The "Sir" means that he's a knight, which - explains a lot. The name Queenscove rings a bell, but he supposes that his home fief would be at least slightly familiar. He can understand why he goes by Neal - Nealan is a stupid name. But… "Who's Dom? And what's _your_ name?" The second question comes out sounding slightly hysterical.

"Dom - Domitan of Masbolle - is your cousin. You two - were - very close. He thought of you like a brother." She closes her eyes, pauses, and takes a deep breath. "And I'm Kel. Lady Knight Keladry of Mindelan, but everyone calls me Kel. We - you and I - were yearmates as pages, and we're - we _were_ \- best friends." Neal notices that her eyes are suspiciously bright. 

Kel shakes her head, then looks back at him. Her eyes have gone back to looking normal. "I'm sorry we put you in here, but we don't have anywhere else that's as secure. I just, I need to know- are you okay? Are you comfortable? Is there anything I can do for you?" There's an almost pleading edge to her voice.

Neal checks his body. "No broken bones, no cuts, no pain. I can't feel my magic, but I assume that that's due to the cuffs. I can go a few more hours without food or water. So, my status is optimal, for now at least."

There's pain in Kel's voice when she speaks. "Neal, that's not what I asked. I want to know what I can do to make you _feel better_." 

Neal is silent. No one has ever asked him what he wants before. "I - I want - I don't know. I don't know what I want. I don't know, I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize for that," Kel says firmly. "You've done _nothing_ that needs an apology."

Neal doesn't say anything, and Kel doesn't say anything else either. They sit in silence for a few minutes, but it's not the same kind of silence as when he's with his commander. It's more comfortable.

Kel eventually stands up. "I'm going to go get you something to eat and drink. I'll be back soon." She grabs the chamber-pot as she leaves. Neal watches her walk away until she turns the corner and disappears from his sight.

* * *

"I am going to murder the people who took Neal," Kel says to Yuki and Numair. Her calm, matter-of-fact tone is belied by the vengeful fury that's consuming her. By all the gods, she is going to _destroy_ everyone who so much as _looked_ at Neal the wrong way.

"I'll help," Yuki says. "Those bastards took my husband away for almost three years. They don't deserve to live."

Numair doesn't say anything for a few seconds, but when he does speak, he cuts right to the heart of the matter. "How bad was it, Keladry?"

Kel looks down at her lap. "It - it was horrible," she says, her voice quiet and cracking with emotion. "He had a panic attack, he thanked me for _comforting him_, he said he was sorry for _talking too much_! And - gods - I asked him if he was okay, and you know what he said? That his _status_ was _optimal_! Not how how he was feeling, or if he needed help. His gods-damned _status_." Her lip curls in disgust. "Gods. What did they do to him?"

"I have no doubt that there was a lot of dark magic involved," Numair replies. "And probably a lot of physical and mental - well, torture. Listen, I hate to say this, but I don't think I'll be able to help him very much. Healing - especially healing of the mind - is not my specialty. I think Alanna would be better suited for this. And I know she'll want to see him. He _was_ her squire."

Kel smiles at him. "You've already helped a lot by getting him here," she says. "And - maybe - do you think you could track - _them_ \- down?" She doesn't need to say who _they_ are. "If it's not too much to ask -"

"Of course I'll do that," Numair replies. "It would be my absolute _pleasure_." The promise of revenge is very obvious in his voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have an actual beta. Anyone want to help?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken so long to update. The next chapter <strike>should be up tomorrow!</strike> will be up probably before 2021.

It takes Alanna eight days after Numair talked to her to show up. Kel is more surprised by the fact that her husband came with her than the speed of her journey. Still, after she thinks about it for a minute, it makes sense. Tortall's spymaster deals in information, and there's a lot of that to be had when it comes to Neal.

Before he left, Numair had set up a room for Neal. It's heavily warded, so Neal can't use his magic to break out, but it's also a lot more comfortable than the jail cell. Kel shows Alanna and George to their quarters, then takes Alanna to Neal's room.

Some of Neal's memories have been returning since Kel rescued him -

<strike>since Kel _captured_ him</strike>

\- and when he sees Kel and Alanna, he blurts out, "I _know_ you! You - were my knight-master. Right?" The last word is said more softly, more hesitantly. A flash of fear crosses his face and Kel's heart aches. He's still afraid of being punished for speaking out of turn.

"I was," Alanna replies. "Do you remember anything else about me?"

Neal's brow furrows. "You- we went to the village a lot, to learn how to heal. There- there was a pirate attack, and you had to take a potion right before, because otherwise you would throw up. I _remember_ that. And- you have two children?"

"Three, actually," Alanna says. "You didn't meet my eldest, Thom, but you did meet my twins, Alianne and Alan. Do you remember anything else?"

Neal shrugs. "I keep getting bits and flashes, but there's nothing really concrete. There's- it feels like there's a block on my memories, and it's slowly starting to break, but it's not fast enough. I want it _gone_."

"That's why I'm here," Alanna says. "Goddess willing, I'll be able to remove the spells they put on you. As long as I have your permission, of course."

"They never asked for my permission," Neal replies softly, then looks into Alanna's eyes. "Yes."

* * *

Neal raises his hand to knock on the door, then hesitates. What if Yuki doesn't want to see him? What if she rejects him? What if-

Kel reaches past him and knocks. "Don't worry, Neal. She'll be happy to see you," she says, then pats him on the shoulder.

"You can come in, Kel," Yuki calls. "It's unlocked." Hearing Yuki's voice fills Neal with determination, and before he can lose his nerve, he opens the door.

And freezes.

Yuki is sitting in a chair in the corner of the room. She's as lovely as he remembers, but that's not what stills his body and makes his breath catch.

There's a _child_ sitting in her lap. She has the black hair and golden skin of a Yamani, but her eyes are as green as his own.

"Yukimi?"

Yuki stills, then looks up and into Neal's eyes. There's so many emotions there- joy and sorrow and disbelief and amazement. She stands up slowly, her hold tightening on the child, and walks over to him. She reaches out and rests a hand on his face.

Neal's emotions are a mess. He leans into the touch and its aching tenderness. He can't help but pull Yuki closer, feeling adrift in feelings of softness and comfort and warmth.

He doesn't know how long they stand there, but his reverie is interrupted by the feeling of his hair being pulled. He looks up and sees the child grasping a tiny fistful of his hair, an innocently curious expression on her face. "Yuki, is she…"

Yuki nods. "Ryoko of Queenscove. Your daughter."

Neal holds Yuki tighter. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there." His voice cracks and he feels tears pricking at his eyes.

"You're here now," Yuki replies, and the tears spill out of his eyes.

* * *

George is awakened by frantic knocking on his door. He growls. "This better be a matter of life and death!"

"It is," Neal replies, and the seriousness in his voice sends a chill through George. He gets out of bed and opens the door to see Neal and Kel standing there. They both look sleep-rumpled, but their expressions are very alert.

George silently follows them to Kel's office. As soon as they're seated, Neal starts talking.

"They're Tortallan, but the- base, is in Galla," he says. "They wanted me to kill Thayet, because they think a foreigner shouldn't be Tortall's queen, and they talked about me killing Roald and Shinko as well. They hoped there would be a war between Tortall and Galla, and that King Jonathan would remarry a more 'appropriate' woman."

George nods slowly. "How do you know all this?"

"They talked about this in front of me," Neal says, then pauses. His voice is softer when he starts talking again. "I was completely under their control. I didn't do anything without their permission. I didn't know my own name. I wasn't a _person_, in their eyes." His voice cracked. "I was just a weapon, and your weapons don't hear you when you talk in front of them."

George's heart aches. Neal wasn't a part of George's world, but George did like him, and seeing him now, broken and battered and struggling to put himself back together, fills George with anger. Neal didn't deserve the suffering he'd been through.

But now there's a lead. Now there's people that George can hunt down and make them regret everything they did to Neal. Now is when the _fun_ begins.


End file.
